Single or Married. It's up to YOU

My therapist told me shortly after I separated, "You could be married today."

That hadn't occurred to me.

When you separate, you think you will never find someone again.

Too soon! Too hard! Too old! Too much energy! Too embarrassing! Too, too, too!!!

But here's the thing I've discovered since: my therapist was right!

Every day folks, complete strangers approach me and share the details of their lives. I appreciate being approachable. Why? Because they need someone to talk to, and I need someone to listen to. Learn and leaning on one another is important. Plenty have listened to me, and continue to do so...

Today, was my turn to listen.

Had a lovely chat with the man who shuttled me home today. His name was "Martinez".

Assured me the only Renee's he's ever known were men. Thought maybe I had gotten my name wrong? I assured him it was indeed my name, and meant in the most feminine of ways. He didn't look convinced.

First time that has ever happened. But I understood. Our frame of reference was different. I got it.

There is one thing we all have in common though: relationships.

Small talk led us to the revelation that this weekend he intended to sleep. Which irks his sister (that he rents a room from) . "All you do is sleep on your days off."

IS that all you do? I asked. Yeah, but I'm happy.

I wasn't so sure about that.

He muttered something in spanish and I responded casually in spanish. Shocked him.

"Habla espanol?"

Como no (of course). Listened to it for thirty years. My husband is from El Salvador. My ex husband.

The rest of the way home we spoke entirely in his language. He began to share freely and I listened:

He's 50.
Lives in Anaheim.
Divorced six years ago after 27 years of marriage and four kids.
Wife didn't like that he played "Basketball".
Were you really playing basketball?
Yeah!
Have you ever said you were playing basketball and were playing something else?
Mischief in his eyes answered my question.

So, your life took a completely different path because you decided to play a game of basketball one night and you came home two hours late and she threw you out?

Just shook his head and smiled.

You are where you have been showing her you want to be: Single.

Aw well, no one should live with all that anger. (He said this).

I'm ready to have a girlfriend. Take to the cine, the playa, dinner.

Then he asked me, "What about you?"

Eh, I'd like someone. I'm ready.

What are you doing about it?

I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Nothing." Can't force it.

Dumbfounded, he looked at me like what was I waiting for? You're just gonna except it?

I smiled and shrugged again. I've dated. What's the point? Men and women desire different things.

Wished him well as he pulled onto my driveway. Hoped he found someone to date-and suggested maybe he should try and find a girl who prefers one on one basketball? He laughed and shrugged.

Went to pick something up I needed after that. In the time it took me to sign the bill and gather my things, (all I said was it felt nice in the air conditioning) I learned the interesting details of my sweet sales ladies life:

She's in her fifties.
Raised in Fountain Valley, spent the last sixteen years on the east coast.
Its so hot in the summer there. Winters are worse though. Gray. Gray. Gray.
At thirty seven found herself alone after a terrible first marriage ended.
Decided to treat herself for the first time ever to a beer.
Went to a bar, sat down and met a man who changed her life completely.
Married him. Good good man.
Found out he has a daughter that is "really" his (we had the test, you know). Terrible teenager, but she is in her thirties now, has two masters degrees and is a teacher. "We all have peace now that she has gotten her life together."

Because you treated yourself to a beer you met and married a wonderful man, experienced life across the country, and gained a step daughter?

Yep. My life turned around. :-)

I said, "Buying that beer for yourself was your way of showing the universe where you wanted to be: Married. Happily. And then it happened!"

She beamed with joy.

Today, the universe used these lovelies to remind me: I am where I want to be. For today, anyway. If I really want the other, I need to make me the best I can be. A better me will attract a better him. Just gonna put it out there: I want to married one day again. Not this year, still healing and growing. Finding peace in my solitude and truly appreciating when others bless me with their presence. Getting my kids through senior year. But one year not too far after that. Happily, this time.

Okay universe, work your magic.

WHAT I DON'T REGRET

So much of our days, weeks, months and years are spent looking at the choices we did not make; the paths we are sure would have brought us to a place where no regrets live. I struggle with my regrets. And I've achieved some pretty great things in my life. But, it doesn't matter, in the end, because its the paths we take out of fear (and we ALL have walked these lines) that cause us to suffocate.                                                     Woke up this morning needing to find perspective, if only for today. Just today. Because I could not contemplate another tomorrow like yesterday. It was heartbreaking.

Decided to remind my head and my heart what I don't regret:

1. Writing. If I hadn't put down in words my angst, pain and fury and fear I would never have learned our emotions live outside of us. While I carried them around with me like undesired necessaries, I found my happy constantly at war with my sad; often convinced the latter would win out in a self fulfilling prophecy. Here's the thing: Subjectivity kills. It wasn't until I placed each of my adversaries on paper, that I could step away and look at them objectively. They became simply pawns in a game I was the master at--a game I decided I was not willing to lose. Objectivity strengthens our resolve.

2. Serving others. Since I was a little girl, I was taught by strangers the survival of many is due in great part by the service of the few. Foster parents care for the children of parents who cannot. Shelters house folks who cannot provide housing for themselves. Those fortunate enough to exist without mental illness understand the importance of caring for those destined to become lost in their own minds. Every time I give of my experience, my energy, my material possessions, my heart I stand taller. Wanna give more. Realize how very little I need. Serving is a selfless act that takes our attention away from depression, anxiety and all those evil opponents that want us to believe this life is all about us. Doesn't cure those very real disorders, but the buffer created by helping others takes the focus off. And that's a good thing.

3. Loving. This seems like an easy one, but for those of us who were traumatized at an early age, loving is an act of bravery most cannot fathom. Not able to allow love to flow until I had bore children of my own, left me side swiped; my lonely self inflicted existence for thirty three years was so terrified of having to open my heart, I went into shock only moments after they were born. Could not stop shaking. Crying. I decided to love. Open hearted. Filled me with a sense of peace I have not since been able to replicate anywhere else except when I write. Loving is the only thing that matters.

4. Accepting who I am. Nobody knew my past. Nobody. There were shadows some would see follow me around, and I'd get questions now and again, but my brief response would soon put the inquiries to rest. Then, in my late forties, I began to write on Facebook. Never consciously aware; seemed like the keyboard worked itself pouring out my stories, the wall of refrain melted away. And folks began to heal and hope for their own lives. If I could get past the horror, surely they could. Embracing my scars, owning my ugly background started me on a path to come full circle. Isn't that what we are supposed to do in this circle of life?

I am a good person that has made some devastatingly hurtful bad choices. No denying it. I am also a woman who has taken who I am and used those mistakes and what she has learned over the long haul to benefit someone else. Lots of someone elses. Both of my paths have seen the worn soles of my feet. Today, I will focus on the paths that made others lives just a bit better. Tomorrow? I am going to keep those in mind when I am standing at the next fork in the road--because there is always a fork in the road. Its when we forget to honor our good stuff that the bad stuff repeats itself.