Jenny

Had an unusually icky week, health wise. Asked the doc when the shaking will stop? The anxiety? He assured me it will go away when I settle into my new normal. The nausea? Probably a reaction to the anti-depressants, or the worry I feel about where I should move next; what to do when I get there- when I still have no clear plan?

All these unknowns piled up on me this week. Not good. Decided to leave the sorting, packing and hard decision making for another day and take some time for myself:

Slept in.
Visited briefly with a new friend who popped over to look at something I'm selling.
Went to the nail salon and had my mani's cured--had me a neck and shoulder massage as well. Laura has the best hands; always massages my upper chest area, the front of my neck, and under my arms. I forget how long it has been since I've had human touch, until I am touched. The fee was well worth it.

While I was out, I needed to stretch a bit more "me" time out of the day. Treated myself to lunch.

I wanted to see Jenny. I wanted to talk with Jenny. I needed the voice of Jenny.

The thing I adore about Jenny?

She is the same person no matter how her day is going. She exists above the chaos. She has been waiting on me and my family since my kids were three. Going on fifteen years now. She is even keel, on it, and one of the wisest people I know.

As usual, we chatted about our kids. Her son is twenty one now. Never met him, but I know him well.
This young man of hers was raised by a single mother; a waitress that worked two jobs most days to ensure her son had three solid meals every day. Nights were up to the boy. Grandpa was there, but the child knew his boundaries--and he observed them. Mom worked. The boy worked too--at his studies.

A few years ago, that young man of hers?

He was accepted to Berkely.
He was accepted to UCLA.
He was accepted to UCI.
He was accepted to UCSD.

Jenny didn't have to pay a dime. Scholarships and grants came easily, after the boy worked hard.

I asked once, "How did he score so high on the entrance exams?" She humbly took no credit. "He's super smart."  That may be, but I reminded my friend, she instilled in him a healthy work ethic: be proud of what you are doing, no matter what that might be, and apply yourself. The boy witnessed that through his mother's actions. And reflected it.

Asked her what degree he is working for? Thought he wanted to be a doctor, but realized that is not for him. He didn't like UCSD so he transferred back up here to Saddleback until he figures it out.
Planning on attending UCLA in the fall.

What's he gonna study now? I dunno. Its up to him. He could do anything. But he loves school. Likes being on campus, in classrooms, completing his work. I encouraged him to teach. Told him when we don't follow our natural path, that is when the problems start. He needs to go and be where he feels at peace.

The takeaway from my lunch? Jenny didn't panic; she remained centered and confident her brilliant son will find his way, on his own terms. When he stops resisting, he will find his passion and his peace.

Such wise advice: when we don't follow our natural path, that is when the problems start.

I enjoyed my morning pampering my aching self, but my time with my dear friend Jenny? Her calm, logical, rational words of truth? THAT was just what I needed to ease my worried mind.

Gonna go and search until I find where it is I feel at peace. Naturally. Cuz this girl has taken the path to "problems" and she doesn't wanna do that ever again.

Thank you, Jenny!

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Today's Drop of Grace

I thought, "Why not?" Bought myself a heart shaped box of chocolates. Bring the sweetness of life into your day, on your own. We must love ourselves first, before we can expect others to love us.

My Grandmother Came to Visit

My grandmother has been trying to get my attention all week:

She wrote me a letter. Dropped it where I had to lean over, pick it up. Read it.

She has been the star in every one of my dreams for five nights in a row.

She left a photo of the two of us under the coffee table. My daughter brought it to me last night. Now I can't find it anywhere. 

She pulled me to a box filled with her treasured dolls, passed on to me. "Keep the favs. Sell the rest."

She is here with me. I am certain of her presence. But why?

Here's the thing...

I have never read that letter before. Ever. My grandmother always, always dated her correspondence. Always. This one only had "wed" at the top. If I hadn't moved that box last night, I might not have seen the envelope slip to the floor. Could have taken months for me to discover it. She wrote of my mother's passing. Her words contained such heartfelt personal thoughts. I was moved. Comforted. And dumbfounded.. I rarely pressed her about her daughters. She often just shrugged it off. Her letter was a gift.

.

I am dealing with truly being alone, once again. I am sitting on her couch asking her why? She takes a long drag off her cigarette. Doesn't respond. She never responds.

I studied the photo my girl found under the table. Gram and I are in an embrace. Of all the zillions of pics, that is the one that found its way out of the stack. To be noticed. To be felt.

I felt relief when I opened that box of dolls. Must only carry that which is important to ME now.

But, WHY?

Maybe to teach me: share my feelings, allow a vulnerability that is comforting to others? Write. 

Maybe to tell me: figure the "Why" out on my own? You can do this.

Maybe to remind me: I am being embraced, even now? Spiritually?

Maybe to encourage me: hold onto what is important to ME. Let the other go?

Maybe to get me to thinking: work it out, write it out, get it out?

Or, maybe it was all coincidence? 

School was Tough, but their Mom was Tougher

Super Bowl Sunday

What an absolutely-perfectly-peaceful day-- for those of us who don't watch football, that is! 

Our neighborhood streets were lined with cars as we drove out of Ladera. Noticed banners strung in front of homes advertising: "Bill's Super Bowl Party Here!" Main streets, freeways, restaurants, and stores were all empty. Normally, it takes me fifteen minutes to get to the freeway; today it took me five. Popped into our nail salon too, and the employees were painting each other's toes! So nice to walk in and be served immediately. Made the overall experience relaxing, more enjoyable.

Took my kids and Joe the Yorky, out to Lazy Dog for lunch. Sat outside in the summer like winter weather and just chilled. Noticed right off, the energy around us was similar to when I was their age, living in Anaheim. Streets were calm, the world was quiet, and there was no wait to be seated at a restaurant. That common tug and pull of every day life, was absent. Instead, a serenity to the day was present, so completely different from what we've become accustomed to, behind this hectic Orange curtain we inhabit. I could not help but stop and take notice. 

With a deep sigh, I realized: I want that back. I want my kids to have that.

Truly, I have not had such an enjoyable two hours in a long time. We all felt at peace. And the direction the conversation went in was not lost on me... while we lingered over our lunch, my children began to talk about the things they appreciated in their lives, specifically academically. 

Not sure how the topic came up, but before I knew it, they were listing every project, paper and group assignment they had ever completed--commenting on the levels of difficulty and challenge--and the best part? They both agreed: it felt awesome to acknowledge they did all that, and they did it well! Lauren even giggled.

Both remarked on their favorite teachers and why--which was hard to narrow down because they sincerely cared for each and every one. What astounded me? The favs were the teachers that challenged them the most! It was evident, even back then, their instructors required a lot, but always had their backs. Each had an invested interest in my children's success.What better combination?

I know I've said it before, but my kids LOVED their elementary and junior high. LOVED IT!  Drove past the site where the modular buildings used to be today and Niko said, "It's just wrong." We all miss it. Stoneybrooke was tough but a wonderful place to leave my heart every morning. I used to say at drop off, "Love you. Now go learn something!" Our principal heard me one time, and chuckled. 

Niko wasted no time reminding me school was tough, but his mom was even tougher, "Remember when you would edit our papers and say, 'Is this your best effort?' And we'd have to do it over and over again?" He groaned, reliving how grueling the process was. But guess what? It was my turn to remind him, "By 9th grade, that research paper it took many others five weeks, to do? You sat down and punched it out in five hours the night before it was due! AND, you earned a 97 on it! 

Writing comes naturally for my kids now, but I kept setting them straight every time they began to wander off track, or get fuzzy with their thoughts. I am confident my efforts made a difference. That is what we are commanded to do, in all matters of life, with our offspring: we are entrusted to guide them, not make it easy; walk that tightrope carefully, and hope we all don't slip and land hard. 

Because thinking clearly, is clearly important.

I attempted to be present and aware in every way I thought was time worthy, but I fell short on many things (wish I could have excelled at math, but numbers are not my thing). Aw well, we can't cover it all can we?  We can try though. Even though I was saddled with a poor math brain, I am certain letters are my thing, my joy, my passion and I wanted my little ones to see that. 

I write. And now my children write as well.  At least that is something...

In the fourth grade, Lauren's teacher (she adored) called my girl, her "Writer girl". In the seventh grade, Niko's teacher told him "You ARE a writer." When he said, "Thank you, but nah, I don't want to be a writer" She said, "You should reconsider! " Writing is so much a part of society now; critical thinking is the focus in academia, an effort vital for survival in today's professional world too. 

Writing often, aids in strengthening that muscle. 

Expressing ourselves out loud is hard enough. Terrifying, even. That, they have to come to terms with on their own. With pen and paper? This mother did not want her students to be afraid of that.

That was my gift.

By the 9th grade, my son said, "Stoneybrooke was so hard, freshman year at Crean was ridiculously easy." I said, "That is the point. You work diligently early on, you push yourself, you discover you can do things you had no idea you could accomplish, so later on in life, things will be easier."

They are getting it. My children are becoming adults. 

My only regret? 

Wish we had slowed down a bit. Ran too much. Spent too much time in the car. Life was school, sports, dinner and homework. Repeat. Too much. Too much. Too much. I thought, because we could do it, we should do it. So much opportunity in the OC, if we don't take advantage...  

We were wrong. 

Our busy bees racked up the honors but they also grew tired, and the grumpies came, a lot. 

I asked them today if they had any regrets? The girl said no, not really, but I am glad we've slowed down now. The boy, "I wish we hadn't been going all the time, but it's cool knowing we did all that." He's proud of his accomplishments. I'm relieved. 

I think the big take away from today was... 

We tend to forget about the positives in our world when we get greedy with our hours, days, weeks and years. Feels like the choices we make begin to control us, instead of us being in charge. It becomes difficult to see the blessings before us, when our eyes are blurry from lack of sleep. I see now, we should have set some of that "busy" aside, and we should have done absolutely nothing. It is helpful when we feel the world around us is at peace as well. But we cannot control the world. Truly, we can only control the environment at home--oh well, except on Super Bowl Sunday!   :-)  

So, my advice? Take some time and plan nothing. Before or after the nothingness? Let it be.

Don't time it, either. Because, "Okay, you have two hours until we have to go the BBQ (or your sisters soccer game, or your brother's volleyball match)" is not really down time. The non-activity is still being clocked. Sometimes we need to NOT KNOW what we are doing after lunch. 

We just need to enjoy our lunch. :-)

Today's Drop of Grace

Today's Drop of Grace

Today's Drop of Grace

Her name was JOY

As she stepped inside my home tonight, I could see she wasn't in a hurry. Seemed to want to linger a bit. Came to pick up a beautiful angel snow globe I sold her on a local mom to mom sales site.

She inquired about a couple of other things I had listed. While I searched for them, she asked if I had any Christmas decorations I was willing to sell her? (Her sister was struggling and could only afford stockings this year for her kids).  Me? Christmas decorations? Um, yeah, just a few.

I invited her out to my garage and let her peak into one of my bins. Told her she could have a couple of things right off that caught her eye. Said, "Give me a week, and I'll have some more. No charge." She was sweetly surprised, sincerely appreciative.

Joy asked me why I was selling things? I kept it simple: gonna be an empty nester soon. Downsizing. And then we stood in my garage and chatted for an hour.

I discovered my new friend has seven children. Blended family. Took her four years to get the courage to leave the first marriage. Took a year longer for the tears to come. Realized she had been living in a numb state so long, when she started living again, the flood gates opened.

That's what happens: You live a certain way for so long, you don't realize you have stopped feeling altogether.

Our stories were similar. I adored her open heart. Told her we need to have lunch.

Then I inquired which church she attended? I smiled. Knew there was something "sisterly" about her the minute we met. So warm.

We women need each other.
We women need each other's attention spans.
We women need each other's consideration.
We women are all trying in our own ways to be a "proper wife and mother".
We women listen and understand.
We women get we need to talk it all out.

That's what we do best!

You know, I set about to clear our my cabinets last week to lighten my load, but the decision to take the money and perform charitable acts with it, turns out, lightened the load of a handful of others.

Blessing abound!

I know without a doubt, there was an important reason that woman was drawn to my home tonight. Made a new friend. Hopefully, she feels the same.

I have met the nicest ladies here locally through these sales. Just lovely...

Tonight, the woman's name was JOY.
How perfect is that?